Why I Don't Want to be Fat

Greetings and felicitations

Now, I think that the title of this post kind of explains what it is going to be about.

I am fat. There, I said it. However, I used to be even more fat, like 2st fatter. I lost 5st and looked rather lovely in my opinion. I weighed 195lbs (around 14st) and I was the slimmest I'd ever been. So now you can use your mathematical brains to work out how big I was at my largest!

Then things happened in my life, I lost important people and I got mentally and very physically ill. I've had an operation to correct the physical illness, which I am very grateful for - but unfortunately it means I eat a lot more of a variety of things now! I gained 3 of the stone I had lost and now I'm feeling very glum about the whole situation. I can almost hear you tutting and saying that these are just excuses. They are, so this blog is going to be dedicated to why I CAN and WANT to lose weight.

1. Health

I think we all know deep down that we need to put good things into our body to hopefully stay as healthy and alive as possible. Eating healthily helps with depression, mood problems, digestive problems and gives you the feel good factor. Now, I have suffered with back problems, only a bulging disc, but it hurts enough for me to notice it. Funnily enough, this problem appeared when I lost the weight the first time; the nice physio lady said that it was because my poor body had been lumbering around with so much weight for such a long time, that now it was lighter it didn't know how to carry itself. So with strength training (mainly the awesome exercise that is Zumba) I managed to combat this problem. But that pain is slowly creeping back and I don't want it! I have suffered really badly with IBS since forever (I won't go into too much detail about it), but I need to make sure that I have a diet full of fibre to help me combat the pain that comes along with that too. And although one hopes, KFC and cake just doesn't have the right amount of fibre to combat my problem! There are the obvious risks too of heart failure and diabetes; luckily I haven't quite got to that stage, but obviously the more weight I pile on, the more likely I am to succumb. I want to be happy and healthy.

2. Children

I am of child bearing age, and I must admit the thought of having children is now crossing my mind. Do I really want to be the overweight and out of puff mommy that can't run around and act like a complete fool with her children? Uhhh, no. I want to be the kind of mother that will fill herself and her growing child full of food that it full of nutrients and things that will help them to become strong and healthy. I also want to give my children the best start in life by feeding them delicious home cooked meals that I have prepared and I know contains nothing but wholesome ingredients. Plus, every mom wants to win the three legged race at the school sports day, I'm just preparing myself!

3. Vanity

Yes, I went there. Now I'm not going to lie - I feel very unattractive. I have a loving family and super awesome friends that just look at me as someone that they love, and I know that my fiancé would adore me even if I looked a troll due to my simply raucous personality. But here's the important thing. I really don't love myself. Lately I have done a small experiment to see if I would feel better by making the effort to do my hair and makeup in the morning before leaving the house. Whether I'm going to work, or going to the shops. And yes, I must admit I feel a lot prettier but then I catch a glimpse of my reflection in a mirror or a door and I am horrified. I feel like the wind has been punched out of me. I may be pretty,  but I am not the sexy lady that I have never been, but have always wanted to be. Seriously, I have NEVER been slim. But I would like to turn heads for a positive reason for once in my life! I feel like a gelatinous mess. I understand that an individual is sometimes harder on themselves than others would be, but I really feel disappointed in myself. How did I do this to myself... Again?! Lastly on the issue of vanity, I get married in exactly 402 days. I need to fit into my awesome wedding dress and look stunning.  Even just once. For half an hour. 

4. Everyday Things

If you have never been fat, you may not even believe that some of these things happen. And they do happen. They have happened to me, in fact. My legs rub together so much that they wear away the inside of my trousers. I have a funny story about that happening, but this is not the time, nor the place. I can't sit with my back flat against a chair. I have a ledge that goes around the top of my bum which prevents me from sitting flush in a chair. People shout, spit in my face as they pass, and follow me in the street saying awful things. I can't easily fit my legs under my steering wheel in my car. I can't fit in a bathtub without creating a huge dam. I've put on a shoe size. I have lost confidence in myself, and my anxiety levels (mentioned in a previous post) are sometimes off the scale. People can't put their arms around me properly when they hug me. I have to buy strange sized clothes to accommodate my large rump even though my chest in comparison is small, leaving a lot of my clothes baggy. My belly starts to cover my lap when I sit down. I have horrendous stretch marks. And these are just a few of the things that hinder my life. And I would like to get rid of them!

Right. I am feeling a lot better, I think I will have to keep these things in mind when I reach for that chocolate bar, or bake that massive cake and then eat it all. 

That's it! Stretch way beyond your perceived limitations. Go for yours like you own it already, because you truly do. - Serena Aleta Dailey 'The magnificent Weight Loss System'

Anxiety. Who controls who?

Greetings and felicitations,

Today's blog is about something that is actually serious and could be involved in a discussion.

I have suffered for many years with a form of Social Anxiety, and sometimes it has become a large burden in my life; I'm hoping to open up to ye 'normal folk' and try to explain certain things that I do and why I do them / how they make me feel.

Where to start?

I have had certain... Issues ever since I was young; although when you're a kid and you don't want to join in, people think it's normal. When you're 26 and don't want to join in, you're seen as a spoilsport or just simply no fun.

I would like to say that I have some very good friends (they know who they are) and they just take in all of the weird quirks as a part of me, I feel like I can tell them anything and that makes me really happy as I don't feel like I have to be false around them. Thank you guys and girls! On the other hand there are people that know me that have no idea about some of the weird things that make my palms sweaty and my heart beat faster than normal, and not in a good way!

Ok, I'm trying to figure out the best way to blog about this without it all amalgamating in one wall of text or becoming incomprehensible. I think I might go for a list - which in no particular order will catalogue some (as I probably won't remember all) of the things that I do to cope with anxiety, or things that cause me to feel anxious in the first place.

1. Walking through doors

Now, you may possibly be thinking, 'What the heck does walking through a door have to do with anxiety?' Well, I think at some point in my life, I must have walked through a door into a place that I didn't know and was expecting the person I was with to follow me - to find that they had been distracted or for some reason were no longer behind me, rendering me alone, and with no idea where I was or where to go. I must have been young when this happened - because I would now know to look for signs etc to find out where I needed to go. but even now, if I am having a bad day (stress seems to 'activate' these behaviours) I won't even walk through a door first into a place I know - no matter who the person is I am with, I simply don't trust that they will follow behind me and I will once again be left stood alone.

2. Having the right change

You know when you get to the till at a supermarket; there is a massive queue to be served, and there is that woman with the Mary Poppins handbag; that waits until all of her groceries are packed before even ATTEMPTING to look for her purse amongst the sea of handbag-crap? Well, do you remember how infuriated that made you? How you wanted to just pay for the shopping yourself to get the queue moving faster? Well I don't ever want to be the Mary Poppins lady. Ever. Before the times of paying by card, or the self service machines; buying stuff was such a pain for me. As soon as I picked an item up, I would make sure that I had the right change or slightly more in my hand; so that if I needed to buy my haul quickly I could just hand over the cash quicker than Usain Bolt and get out of there. Not holding the queue up, and definitely not being hated by my fellow shoppers. The first and only time I did not exercise this rule - I was trying to 'kick the habit' so to speak - I got to the til with about £50 worth of shopping. You got it, I forgot my flipping purse altogether and didn't realise until all of the shopping had be rung through and packed. I wanted the ground to swallow me up.

3. Justification of actions

This weekend I realised that I have some sort of issue when it comes to realising people are just pulling my leg. For years my family and friends have said things to me after I've done / said something 'as a joke' and I've immediately got offended and taken defensive action. The thing is though, I can't really tell when people are joking and it really bugs me. I would like to think that I can be quite a witty person - and the aforementioned friends understand my quirky and sometimes morbid sense of humour. But sometimes people will say things that hurt my feelings, or I feel like I should be guilty and they add 'I was only joking!' I thought maybe they just weren't funny, but then I realised that a LOT of people were doing this and I thought it weird. I'm making the people I know sound awful but I really don't think that is the case. As I said before this weekend I realised that it is actually ME that has the problem. I can't remember what the context was, but my 8 year old nephew said something rather harmless and I answered him in a little bit of a hurt manner and he just said, 'Don't worry Auntie Pan, I was only joking.' That was the moment that I truly realised don't actually understand people and the nuances that come with day to day playful conversation. 

4. Sequences

I like things that go in order,  whether it be alphabetical order, size order,  or just plain old numerical order - I think it's because you can see if things are missing and you know where you are with your sequence. For example, I have been working in my current company for 6 years  and as the information we deal with can be sensitive, we have to change our passwords every six weeks. I have had the same sequence of numbers since the day I started until now - but recently I made an error when changing my password.  I didn't do it in sequence.  'It'll be fine!' I stupidly thought. I got a minute in and realised that I will forget my password purely because it didn't follow the sequence. It also pained me that I had already had this particular password. The palpitations started and the pain in my chest was increasing.  So I had to tell IT that I had forgotten my password so that they would reset it and I could restore the sequence. Yes, I did that. Yes it made me feel better. 

5. Touching metal

This one is a bit weird and not a lot of people know the true extent about it. In fact, I think only my fiancé really knows about this one. When I am having a really bad day stress / anxiety levels wise, I can't touch metal. The problem comes to a head when I need to open doors usually, as a lot of door handles are metal. I think the root of this particular behaviour comes from static shocks that I used to have allll the time as a kid. At my parents house we had a downstairs toilet, and the light switch was a lovely brassy kinda switch (no idea what the actual metal was) and I used to constantly get shocks from it. I can almost hear you say, 'I bet there was a wire short or some Shiz like that.' If that WAS the case, wouldn't everyone else who used the switch get a shock? Also, I get shocks from people, door handles, and cars. Regularly! And I'm the kind of person that gets stressed at the anticipation that I'm going to get a shock. So I will cover my hands with my coat / top before opening doors, only touch the windows when closing a car door and use paper to open doors etc when my sleeves aren't long enough. Like I said, it's a really strange one!

6. Sniffing crisps

Ok, I said the last one was weird, this one is probably seen as a little weirder... I only eat one flavour and brand of crisps. Walkers Ready Salted. (Lays if you're from anywhere else that isn't the UK.) and as I only ever eat one brand and flavour of crisps I can tell the difference in freshness, just by smelling them. I sh*t you not. This started when I was a kid, (I see a theme occurring here) and I remember the best packet of crisps I ever ate. I must have been about ten on a family trip to Drayton Manor Park in Tamworth, Staffordshire. My mom would always pack egg sandwiches, pork pies, scotch eggs and crisps. And I remember being sat next to the car on the grass with my family eating our picnic, and opening the pack to a waft that I really can't describe. But when I smell that particular smell (it doesn't happen very often) I'm taken straight back to that day all of those years ago. I try to only pick packs that have a lot of air in them, as they seem to be the ones that taste the best, the ones that have no air in them taste really stale and feel really hard and unappetising. This behaviour has even spread to a colleague at work now... And by the way, if I don't like the smell, I don't eat the crisps, I give them away untouched for someone else to eat.

7. Hanging out with friends

I love hanging out with my friends. I have grown up friends, chilled out friends, nutcase friends, gamer friends, hilarious friends and friends that just make me smile by playing pun games with me. But it's WHERE I hang out with my friends that causes me problems. If they come to my place, I feel safe, warm and it's my safe place. But I also understand that my friends can't always be expected to come to me as that's not fair. Go to a pub you say? Well I will agree to it, and even look forward to it, but then about ten minutes before I am due to leave I will get stupendously nervous and back out. But very persistent friends manage to talk me round! But yeah, meeting in a public place is really difficult for me - if I meet someone at their house or they come to mine first, I'm ok. But ask me to meet at a shopping centre or something and the anxiety sets in. I'm worried that what I'm wearing is not suitable (I'm overweight too which really doesn't help), that my friend won't turn up, that I'll bump into someone that i don't really know how to make conversation with, I worry that I will get lost or that people will jeer at me (which is a frequent occurrence, sadly). So, if you're a friend reading this and I've backed out of coming to hang out with you, I am so so sorry, but please don't stop inviting me, I will get there eventually!

I must admit I've been getting better at this of late, and I've been forcing myself to go to places - as you may have read in a previous blog, I made it from Birmingham to Tenby all on my own. This for me was a magnificent feat! 

So there you have it, some of the things which make my life a little bit more awkward, and make people look at me strangely... I will add more as and when they happen to me and I think, 'Oh yeah! That's one of those things normal people don't do!'

Anxiety is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you very far. - Jodi Picoult, Sing You Home

My Journey from Birmingham to Tenby

'Greetings and felicitations,

I said on my Facebook page that I would try and write a blog about something whilst I was on my train journey to Tenby (for a much needed few days away) and here it is!

I'm just pulling out of Whitland station and the next stop is Tenby.

Please forgive me if this blog isn't up to my normal calibre, I must say it is a bizarre experience writing whilst moving for the first time in my life!

So, let me start and say that I couldn't think of anything to write about within an hour so I shall intact, write about my journey so far! (To Tenby I mean, not life in general.)

My journey started in a small village outside of Birmingham. I went to Subway to get myself a sandwich to keep me going through the six hour journey ahead. Yeah... That sandwich was gone before my first train had even arrived. I'm definitely a glutton.

I'm sat waiting at the station for the choo choo to turn up, and there is a guy the other side of the tracks talking REALLY loudly. He's clearly on some sort of hands free device which made him look a little deranged. 

There was a little old lady next to me and she just shouted at me WHILE THIS GUY WAS RIGHT NEXT TO HER that, 'You know what they say about empty vessels making the loudest noises.' And did the not so subtle head bob in this guy's direction. Although I hadn't said anything to this woman to agree with what she was saying - she clearly thought I was in cahoots with her. My heart sank. I wasn't even on a train yet and I was being lumped in with trouble makers and the over-opinionated. She moved on to say that he looked like he was schizophrenic and obviously thought he was so cool talking so that everyone could hear him. Which I thought was a bit rich really as she was making herself very loud and unbearable! She finished her spouting of rage by saying, 'These kids of today, they are always on their phone, it's the most important thing to them.' She scared me a little bit so I must admit I chickened out and nodded at her. 

I must admit I was proud of myself for not grabbing my phone and tweeting about the situation.

I waited until she had got on the train

Approximately ten minutes later I arrived at New Street Station ready for my journey.

I would like to point out that I suffer with social anxiety, to the point I sometimes stay in my home and don't see / speak to anyone; so let's just say that going on what to me was a massive journey, and doing it ALONE, was rather nerve wracking.

Now, New Street staton has had a makeover of late. I'm sure that even the people that work there have no idea where they are going. Do you think I could find an information point? That's right, I couldn't. However I did find the next best thing, the disability help station thing. I mumbled that I couldn't find the information desk and the guy sighed, looked at me with big sad eyes and asked where I was going. I think that maybe I wasn't the first person to ask this question...

He directed me to the correct platform - which was pleasantly situated next to the toilets. Now all of you that are of a nervous disposition like me know, that nothing calms the nerves like an emptying of the old tank. So I walk up to the turnstile and pray to God that I have 30p to get through the damned things.

Don't worry kids, I had 30p.

I would just like to point out that this particular journey is really bouncy and I'm starting to feel a little poorly.

Ooh! One stop to go!

So back to the story... 

I got on my train and I found my allocated seat, 35A (which was marked C so for most of the journey I was expecting to be evicted) I got a window seat so I could look at the pretties passing by which was really nice.

I don't know if you have ever noticed this, but there are a LOT of beautiful churches around the country - every time I looked out of the window I seemed to be greeted with a new one which was a delight. I have a special place in my heart for churches. Have done ever since I was a little kid.

I was left to my own devices to read my silly magazines and soak in the views which was entertaining for two hours.

I got off the train at NEWport (think Goldie Lookin' Chain style) and as per usual, I needed to pee. So I made it to the loo and went to the information kiosk (I wasn't risking getting lost or missing my train) and asked where to get the train for Tenby. Turns out I needed to stay on the train that I was on.

Luckily for me the next train to Cardiff was but seconds away from arriving on the platform so I jumped on it and the next stop I was getting off to try and find the train which was going to be my home for the next three hours.

Unfortunately there were also a LOT of people waiting to get on the train that I wanted, and for some reason they were all asking me whether this was the train to a plethora of destinations. Now, I don't know if you know this, but there are a LOT of train stations in between Cardiff Central and Tenby - probably about 20 - and for the half an hour between me waiting for the train and getting on it, I had to remember them all in case some lost traveller asked me whether this was the right choo choo for their destination. I just hoped to God I had got it right else I would be stuck on train with quite a few annoyed people! 

As a side note, as we were all stood on the platform, I saw this geezer triumphantly galloping down the platform... Wearing a  Biggest Loser t-shirt. My first thought was, 'good on you mate.' And my second thought was, 'I hope that there are no cameras around following this chap - although if there are, I'm going to do that annoying "hi mom" wave. My makeup looks good and I don't look like I've been dragged through a hedge backwards so it won't be too embarrassing'

So, we crammed ourselves into the human-sardine tin and I had a horrible gut feeling that I would be stood up for a very long and painful time. After standing on the sides of my feet for about half an hour (it helps when the soles of your feet start burning) I spotted that the hippie looking chap was blocking a fold down seat. I'm sure he must have felt my stare burning into his knee caps until he moved.

He eventually got off the train, ear stretchers in and roll up cigarette ahoy. He also was donning a black trilby with a feather in it. Coooool.

I sidled up to the seat and unfortunately headbutted this tanned and smiley chap's elbow (he was one of the people who had asked me where this train went) and then casually sat down. Man my butt was thankful for that chair, and my feet were praising the heavens that my gelatinous figure was no longer weighing down on them.

About 45 minutes later more people had got off the train and were carrying on with their lives.

It made me a little sad really that I couldn't see out of the window for most of my journey - my highlight was seeing the toilet door opening and closing with a gentle, 'Whoosh.' I think it entertained the other people in my close vicinity too!

Shuffling down into the main carriage we all ran like gleeful children to get on a proper seat, with a table, and a window - and cushions. Ooh I loved the cushions.

I had sat next to the guy that I nearly head butted and started to read one of the magazines that I had brought with me. It was one about cupcakes and their design. I must admit out of about 100 designs and flavours, there were approximately 5 that I thought I wouldn't want to give a go. Then Mr Smiley started talking to me.

We chatted about where we had come from and where we were going - he had been in a union meeting in Piccadilly to fight for rights for Paramedics. He was fighting to say that they deserve more pay as in Pembrokeshire they are now being expected to learn more health preserving techniques (basically so less people are brought to hospital when the ambulances are called) but they wouldn't be paid any more. I totally supported what he was saying! 

With that we pulled up to a stop and there was a ruckus behind us - we could hear a French sounding chap shouting that the conductor was being rude (he had asked the chap to move a little quicker so that everyone had a chance of getting off at the stop) and the irate geezer was saying that the conductor was nothing but a Server of The People so how DARE he push into passengers. It was ridiculous and stupid, and the conductor had just tapped the guy on his shoulder to get his attention. The train was then stopped for ten minuted whilst the argument spilled out onto the platform. Didn't they know some of us had somewhere to be?!

Eventually the conductor was back on the train and the irate French man threw himself around whilst trying to angrily untangle his bike from the stand. Numpty.

Mr Smiley applauded the conductor and said that he had handled the situation really well - which then led onto a chat about the public and how a couple of people can make it difficult for everyone. Then he presented me with strawberry bon bons.

I don't know how long it has been since you have had strawberry bon bons, but for me I think the last time I was about 12 and travelling to the back end of beyond for a family caravan holiday. Ironic really as that is where I was going this time too!

At Camarthen Mr Smiley got off the train to go home to his home and Mrs Smiley, so I was left for an hour on my own. Which brings me back to the start of this blog (I'm now sat in the caravan watching Holby City after a long and tiring day.) 

And you know what the most important part of my journey was? I had no phone as the battery was rapidly dying, so had to experience this like a normal person, before the time of mobile phones. And it was wonderful.

For someone who has quite bad social anxiety, I am SO proud of myself that I managed to cope, and even make a couple of friends along the way! All without the crutch of being able to really talk to people I know.

You should do it sometime.

'Travel makes you modest. You see what a tiny place you occupy in the world.' - Scott Cameron

I am an Amateur Baker and Proud

Greetings and felicitations

Today's blog is going to be colourful and full of pictures - it's all about my journey as an amateur baker over the past couple of years. All pictures are of my own creations, taken by my own fair hand.

I remember when I couldn't even throw a batch of cupcakes that come from a box together without burning them or making them really dry. But now I'm proud to say I can make succulent cakes which make your mouth water with their fluffy freshness. Mmm. I think it is a good job that I've already had my cake fix for today!

My Chief Taster is my Fiancé and at the moment, I am trying to keep my hand in with baking by making some sort of creation every Friday (which is one of the reasons that he is marrying me, I'm sure).

I am going to try and put these up in chronological order, and do a little explanation of why I baked them and pros / cons of how they turned out.

So, this was the first 'celebration' cake that I baked - there wasn't any particular reason, just that I wanted to try my hand to see what I could come up with. to be honest, I don't think that this is a bad first attempt - however the cake inside was really dry and I hadn't yet got the recipe that I now use.

Now this cake was made for a colleague of mine who was leaving his job with us (he is back again now so if he leaves again I will have to make an updated version). As you can see, the boob shape wasn't great, but I had no idea that there was such a thing as spherical pans. To be honest though, that didn't bother him, and he said that he ate the whole thing to himself!

These were lovely little Oreo cupcakes, but I think that although they look pretty, they lacked in taste - I think I was a little too sparse with the Oreos (a complete travesty, I know).

I made these cupcakes for a lady at work before she left to have a baby boy (and what a cute little thing he is!) And I was quite proud of how professional (I thought) they looked. I think the only downside with these was that I used a liquid based food colouring for the icing, which made the icing really runny and hard to handle. It also had a strange after taste because I had to use so much of it to get this colour. I now use gel based colours which I find are far more bright and easy to use (with minimal after taste).

Now these were SO fun to make! I made them with a couple of friends and we all really enjoyed creating the little spooky faces. I must admit, that last year at Hallowe'en I did made some cupcakes for the trick or treaters and they were the biggest hit! I may have to make some icing ghouls in advance this year MWAHAHAHAHA!!

I made this cake for my Mom and Step-dad's anniversary and I really enjoyed creating this - it was the first 'big' cake that I have made and I was really impressed with how it turned out. I'm not too great with icing cakes but I would like to think that I have got better at it. My main problem is not kneading it enough to stop it from cracking.

This cake had a nice sentiment to it, but in the rush I didn't knead the icing properly (you can see the cracks in the white icing if you look closely.)

















Then I had a brainwave... I wanted to make the most colourful cake that I could for my nephew's birthday - needless to say he keeps telling me that I should open my own bakery ha ha!

I really enjoyed making this cake, even though it took me an age to do the pipework around the outside. I was nervous as this was the first cake really that I had made for a special occasion and it seemed to go down well! (Mainly into a lot of excited children's tummies!)

These were white chocolate and strawberry flavoured cupcakes, and I created them for my late cousin Jason (R.I.P.) and they are very special as I made these for him the week before he died. He was really supportive of my baking and he used to call me Cupcake. Bearing in mind he had terminal cancer, his appetite when it came to my cakes never waned!







Occasionally I bake things that aren't cakes - not too often though as I am not great at it (but as they say, practice makes perfect!) The bread is a Paul Hollywood recipe and I must say, it was delicious!

Below are some more cupcake creations, I didn't realise until I started writing this blog just HOW MUCH baking I actually do - I think I have a problem ha ha!

Multicoloured cupcakes (like the larger version mentioned above - and they had marshmallows melted into the top. Mmmmm they were tastilicious!

These were chocolate ganache cupcakes with a secret 'special surprise' filling. Man I miss having those cupcakes in my life.

So, these were peanut butter and jam cakes, the buttercream was infused with smooth peanut butter and then there was a well made inside the cupcake to stuff with a strawberry jam filling.
De-lish-shuz.

Remember the 'special secret' filling? Well here it is... Marshmallows and chocolate ganache. I can almost feel the diabetes swimming around my veins.

Some cute little Easter cupcakes, this one was the most photogenic.

Ok, so now I have shown you all of my projects (bar one) I think it is time to show you the cake that I am stupendously proud of. My sister turned 40 a couple of weeks ago, and I wanted to excel myself and make her a really nice cake to celebrate. And here it is...

*Sheds a tear* Man I'm so proud of that cake.

Anywho, this blog took a LOT longer than I expected to write - but I eventually got there in the end (things are getting a bit cray cray with life in general so it's taking me forever to kick out a blog!) and I hope you enjoyed reading about my cakey creations as much as I enjoyed eating them!

'You can't be sad when holding a cupcake.' - Unknown

Music that Makes Me Feel Funny

Greetings and felicitations

I know I am seriously slacking in the blog area but I am trying to keep going. I hope you will forgive me and still keep reading!

Today's little musing is about music which for me, is very emotional. Whether it is because of an emotional connection to the song itself, or whether there is just something lying within the tune that just makes my heart sing.

It sounds all over the top romanticised, but it is true - some songs just make me feel safe, at home and they have a message that I feel like speaks only to me. I mean, don't get me wrong - you may listen to these songs and think, 'I totally don't see what this crazy girl is saying.' But as I say, these are pieces that are special to me, personally.

These aren't in any particular order as they mean something to me in different ways (just so you know).

1. Chiqitita - Abba

Now, people that know me in real life know that I'm a not-so-closet Abba fan. I may be young but I still appreciate the timeless quality of the music created by Benny and Bjorn. The girls have a flawless quality to their voices and they blend together perfectly, a winning combination. Now, this particular song out of the plethora of Abba tunes that I could have picked is something special. 

The lyrics are telling the story of two best friends, one of them (Chiquitita) is heartbroken and the other one is saying to her that things will be ok, that we all go through pain but she will bounce back soon enough.

Chiquitita you and I know

How the heartaches come and they go

And the scars they're leaving

You'll be dancing once again

And the pain will end

You will have no time for grieving

If you can't see the video, please click here.

I just think this is a pretty tune, and I must say on many occasion this song has shook me up and shoved me back on the road again. It's so lovely. I also really liked how this was portrayed in the movie adaptation of Mamma Mia, as this is the kind of situation I always imagined that this song was written for.

2. Witchita Lineman - Glen Campbell

Now, this song is a strange one. Even when I was a young child being driven in my mother's car this song spoke to me. Let's start with the music.

It starts with a simple guitar riff, leading into a beautiful and almost magical flourish of strings. I can't even describe how full it makes my heart feel. And then Mr Campbell joins in - he has such a smooth voice which tells such a sad story. There are different interpretations of it, but my personal thoughts on this is that Glen is the 'Wit-chi-taw Lineman' and while he is fixing one of the lines he hears a lovely lady talking on the wire. (I don't even know if this is possible but this is how I see it) and he instantly falls in love with her. He says about needing a vacation, but what if something happens to the wire? His love will be lost.

If you can't see this video, please click here.

My favourite part of the whole song is one phrase.

I need you more than want you

And I want you for all time

The aul' romantic inside of me screams out at this wonderful line. My main aim in life is to love and be loved in return to this scale. Not a lot to ask, I know.

3. Return To Innocence - Enigma

Now if you haven't already heard this song, it may sound a little strange to begin with - as the opening is an Amis chant which sets off the mood fantastically. This German musical outfit was one of my late father's favourites - and after he died I thought I should perhaps delve into the music that he loved so much.

I downloaded the 'Greatest Hits' of Enigma, and this song straight away spoke out to me. The lyrics talk about how you should be yourself, feel how you need to feel and not worry about anything. I always thought of the 'return to innocence' as the lack of insecurities and the whimsical nature of being a child. When you don't care about race, whether you're rich or poor - or even what the future holds for you. You just live in the moment. I think that is a powerful message and I think at the time that I discovered this song it created solace for me and I am really grateful for that.

If you can't see the video, please click here.

Here is a short excerpt from the lyrics, which I think encapsulates what the song is trying to say.

And if you want then start to laugh
If you must then start to cry
Be yourself don't hide
Just believe in destiny


4. Cantilena - Karl Jenkins & Adiemus

This particular song whisks me back to my childhood quicker than you can say, 'Really?' And I imagine if you're around about my age you will recognise this tune but you may not know where to place it.

I've always had a penchant for choral music. Not quite sure why - I suppose it has gone hand in hand with my slight obsession with religious buildings. When I was a kid (I mean about 3 years old) I would make my mom stop the car on the way to whichever holiday destination that we were on the way to to look at the churches that I had spotted. I have to say that churches, temples, mosques, synagogues etc all look so beautiful to me - and I think praising an ultimate being by creating these wonderful buildings and creating simply beautiful music is a great way to do so.

Sorry, I digress. This pretty modern composer uses different languages and sometimes even made up languages for his choirs to sing - but you know what? That doesn't even matter; because even if all of the compositions that he writes were gobbledygook, I'm sure you would get the correct message.

So, here is the song which I am wittering on about.

If you can't see the video, please click here.

Recognise it? If you are around about my age (I'm 26) you may remember an advert with which this song was used. I always remember the tranquillity of the music and the video intertwined - and I just love the jubilant blend of voices at the 2:57 mark. Oooh I feel all fuzzy listening to it. The actual song is longer, but you get the gist from this YouTube video. For good measure (and if you're thinking, 'Which advert was it gosh darn it?') here it is...

If you can't see the video, please click here.

5. Tubular Bells II - Mike Oldfield

You may know this as 'The Exorcist' theme tune but to me it will forever be the soundtrack to my college years. My good old dad lent the cassette tape of this outstanding album to me when I was 16 as he thought it would interest me. I listened to this album EVERY day that I went to college while I was getting ready - it set me up for the day and just never got old. 

I'm sure my mother got bored of it very quickly though! Even to this day, if I need calming down before a big event (a job interview etc) I listen to Tubular Bells and just hum along, being lost in my thoughts and relaxing.

There is a particular part of the track called 'Weightless' which is really pretty and once again there is a vocal element which makes it magical - and as I've pointed out I've lost my dad so this particular track is extra special to me. When my partner and I get married next year I am going to have this song played as I walk down the aisle, so that in some respect my dad will be with me on the most important day of my life; and hopefully it will stop me from freaking out!

If you can't see the video, please click here.

So, as you can hear, this is a lovely piece of music - and if you ever get the chance to hear the full Tubular Bells II album, then you definitely should. it should be on everybody's 'Listen to at Least Once in Your Life' list. If you ever see the documentary about Mike Oldfield and how this track came about, you should watch that too - it's really interesting and its scary how it may not have even come about if it wasn't for Richard Branson of all people!

6. The Ghost of You - My Chemical Romance

Bit of a wildcard with this one - it doesn't really fit the mould of the other songs. However I still find it a very haunting melody and Gerard Way really portrays the pain of loss in a unique way. I have cried so many times listening to this song - and I think the music video really hits hard too, so kudos to the director of it!

This is what most people would call a 'rock' tune I suppose, but it is so much more than that.

I don't think I can convey how this song makes me feel... But I can tell you that it gives me goosebumps every time that I hear it.

You know when you're listening to your iPod or whatever and there are songs that you have to be in the mood for? And when you're not in the mood you just skip past them? I have NEVER skipped past this song - I don't know why but I feel compelled to listen to it. I am sure it won't be everyone's cup of tea, and this is the only song by this band that makes me feel this way about it, all of the others (sorry guys) are your run of the mill 'emo' songs. But this one in my eyes is truly outstanding.

If you can't see the video, please click here.

Wow. Just wow. 

Well, there are some songs that I love, and the reasons why - I hope you enjoyed this blog and maybe you could share some of YOUR favourite songs. I always find it interesting discussing musical tastes with people as you can find a lot out about someone's life and connect.

Music touches us emotionally, where words alone can't.― Johnny Depp

Things we all do...

Greetings and felicitations

Now,  I have seen many of this type of post, but I thought I would join in.

The short list below are things that I do that I would like to think we all do - whether we realise it or not!

- Having your eyes closed when washing your hair; and the fear caused by anticipating the sting of shampoo in your eyes (to the point where you can taste it) when you face the shower to wash it out of your hair.

- When you're inside and warm,  and someone comes in from the cold (note,  it doesn't work if it's raining) and you can smell... The outside.

- When you blow your nose and check it to make sure that it doesn't include blood (which may lead to a nosebleed), that the mucus is that delightful florescent yellow colour (when you're waiting for a cold to bugger off) or just to make sure that that crispy cretin is out of your nose and no longer irritating you!

- You're walking along in winter.  You notice your breath looks like that of a dragon due to the cold. You blow as hard as you can (but without making it obvious) to see how long you can keep going for.

- You're in a shop, buying something small like toothpaste... Then you realise you haven't got enough money in cash to buy said item. 'Can I pay on card please?' 'I'm really sorry, but you have to have a minimum spend of £5.' Then you frantically look around for something that you may actually need which will bring you up to the required amount... and buy a ton of chewing gum instead.

- Imagine someone you reeeeeally dislike when preparing a jacket potato for cooking. You know exactly which bit of the prep I mean...

- When you watch Sky and you try to fast forward a live programme. *Face Palm*

- When using a calculator of any type,  instead of pressing the cancel button once,  you press it at LEAST three times. Just to make sure your calculations don't cross over and equal something ridiculous.

- the thought of committing a crime crosses your mind when sleeping with someone who snores. (Please note, if you have never thought this,  you are more than likely the snorer - so I would sleep with one eye open. )

- You laugh when you fart in the bath... Until it smells. 

Can you think of any more?  Join in on the comments! 

"And all the books you've read have been read by other people. And all the songs you've loved have been heard by other people. And that girl that's pretty to you is pretty to other people. and that if you looked at these facts when you were happy, you would feel great because you are describing unity." - Stephen Chbosky

Ode of Inspired imagination

O Gap of Joyous Wonder

O gap of joyous wonder
How enigmatic of thee
You stand there
and everywhere
In every home to see

O gap of joyous wonder
Hiding the bare clothes racking
Void of space
but no trace
of small beasts attacking

O gap of joyous wonder
You are agape and rav'nous
Fallen notes
my lost hopes
as I am not dextrous

O gap of joyous wonder
Dust mites and crumbs within you
Cannot reach
I beseech
that my broom is allowed through

O gap of joyous wonder
between the fridge and cupboard
There you hide
by the side

You're useful as ever.

Olympics London 2012

Greetings and felicitations,

I am sorrowfully aware that I haven't posted a blog for a while and as it is now the end of February I thought I had better pull my finger out!

I'm currently sat watching the opening ceremony for the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia.

I must admit that I did miss 122 minutes of it due to that dastardly thing called work, but the parts of it I have seen are very pretty and visually pleasing. I think I will try and watch the parts that I missed at some point, but right now I'm not feeling a massive urge!

Anyway as usual, I digress. 

When I realised (like, when it actually hit me) that our tiny country would be hosting the 2012 Olympics, I was so excited. Imagine a kid at Christmas that knows they are going to Disneyland and getting all the ice cream that they could ever want excited. That was me.

The day before the opening ceremony my other half and I went to get some supplies. We got Union Jack stick on tattoos, red and blue t-shirts, nibbles (which included cupcakes with cute little Union Jacks on them), some Olympics 2012 wristbands and last but not least; my favourite - some patriotic flags to wave in the air like we just didn't care. I'm a poet and I didn't know that I was.

Thinking back now I'm getting emotional about it - which to me is just so strange as I've never really connected myself to an event before (especially a sporting one, I look like the Pilsbury Doughboy); but alas here I am with a stupid grin on my idiotic mush!

We have a couple of friends who we shared this evening with, we went over to their house and had tea whilst watching the ceremony.

Now, I'm not going to lie, I'm an 'in bed by 2230' kind of girl and well, I stayed very awake and alert for the whole opening ceremony - I was amazed, enthralled and stupefied (not in the Harry Potter sense) all of the way through the ceremony.

Watching the countdown with all of the different ways of showing numbers was so tantalising, and made the whole thing even more exciting! I bet I was chanting in my head down to number one - that's if we weren't all chanting aloud.

It was delightful to see our history played out on the stage, including the move from a rural Britain covered in flowers and grass to theindustrial revolution; with colossal towers that seemed to come out of nowhere, and the seeming flowing molten metal going along the floor of the stadium. I remember seeing the men on the towers which must have been a million feet high thinking 'you couldn't PAY me to do that!'

After this, the workers then 'built' a cast iron ring, and then gradually it was lifted up to join four other glowing orange rigs to create the iconic Olympic symbol. When this was completed it seemed like they had gone on fire and rained down on the scene below. Cue massive cheer from everyone watching.

Then we were treated to possibly the most memorable scene from an Olympic opening ceremony in living history. That's right - Daniel Craig being James Bond.

Oh, and the small matter that he went to visit good old Queen Liz II. I remember praying that the ACTUAL Queen was going to turn round, my chest felt like it was going to explode with anticipation as Mr. Bond walked up to HRM and she turned round to reveal IT WAS ACTUALLY HER! 'Good evening, Mr Bond.' Swoon.

Now, I love Queenie, I think she is a modern lady with her heart in the right place (we shall dismiss conspiracy theories for a moment) and her husband - proper legend. But I really didn't think that she would play an acting role (which she did exceedingly well may I add) which almost made me choke due the lack of oxygen that I was taking in because I was in shock.

I remember shouting,'OH MY GOD THIS IS AMAZING! I can't believe it's really her!' And I imagine there were many others in the UK and around the world saying similar things! Especially at the moment the 'Queen' lunged out of a helicopter over the stadium and appeared in her seat next to the other members of the Royal family who were present. Man that was a memorable moment in my life.

I'm pretty sure I was applauding raucously like a fool.

Then after we recovered from that awesome spectacle, we got transported to a hospital ward with beds that were trampolines - which let's face it, would make staying in hospital a LOT more fun! And lots of dancing nurses. Once the kids had stopped bouncing like Sackboy on the Meerkat Bounce level of LBP; the blankets on the beds lit up miraculously, and the nurses moved them around to spell out different things, and then ending in the shape of a crescent moon whilst the kids got ready for sleep.

Then the scariness happened.

The child catcher appeared running around the children and then these MASSIVE and I mean, MONSTROUSLY HUGE puppet things appeared with their grotesque faces and billowing bodies all swarming around the children like dark clouds of scary literary hate. I was terrified.

Then that magnificent Nanny, Mary Poppins turned up. In fact 32 versions of Mary Poppins turned up. And saved the day with their fantastic umbrellas of valour.

This then led to what I can only describe as massively surprising.

We were led by Mike Oldfield himself into a rendition of Tubular Bells (which to me is a special piece of music but that is information for another blog). I just loved the fact that there were huge - and I mean HUGE tubular bells on the stage. I must admit, I would love to whack one of those colossal beasts with a hammer to hear the mountainous clang that would ensue.

Is it just me or did a lot go on through the ceremony? It's only until you write it down you realise just how much work must have gone into the preparation for this one ceremony!

There were other appearances / sketches created by various people (shout out to Rowan Atkinson, David Beckham and all of the wonderful dancers who did the 'music through the decades' sequence - I must admit I really enjoyed that)

Then we watched the procession of all of the atheletes (all 10,490 of them) which I must admit was comical at times when you saw how excited and junilant all of them were - I must admit I would have been like a bouncy ball on a sugar rush if I was walking that path!

Then for the grand finale. The lighting of the torch. After the speeches and all of that jazz, of course.

The final section of the ceremony was of course, spectacular. Named 'There is a Light That Never Goes Out' as per that fabulous song by The Smiths we were captured by the excitement of that old chestnut... Who will ight the torch? And I personally think that the decision to have lots of different up and coming atheletes was a great idea (although we may feel a bit silly if they decide to stop being an athelete!) and the structure used to house the Olympic Flame was architectural genius. I thought the the journey of the flame was nice to watch too - ending up with it being brought to the stadium on a speedboat driven by David Beckham to pass to Steve Redgrave; and then onto the young atheletes.

The petals of the caldron were definitely a sight to see, and as the petals were lit it was simply magical to see the flames go around the structure and then all of the 'stalks' slowly lift up to create that iconic cauldron.

I loved the ceremony, my heart was filled with pure glee, and I really enjoyed watching the games - and waving our flags furiously when Britain were in any sport that we were watching. When Mo Farah won the long distance running; myself and my parter both jumped up screaming - so I can only imagine what it would have been like to actually be there and watch the 'Mobot' on the sidelines. Watching Tom Daley wow us all with his diving prowess, Victoria Pendleton on her bike; Rebecca Adlington in the pool, Jessica Ennis going through the gruelling heptathlon, and of course Andy Murray on the Tennis courts (which I think spurred him on to go and win at Wimbledon too!)

A fantastic well done goes to all of the atheletes who took part - especially the Olympians who won 29 gold, 17 silver and 19 bronze medals!

All in all, I am so glad I got to experience the London 2012 Olympics, I think it brought most people involved and watching a sense of community spirit and pure pride in our small country - which I am sad to say doesn't have many patriotic people residing within it. I must say I genuinely cried when it was all over, I was so emotionally attached to something that normally I would just watch and glaze over.

Good on Danny Boyle for creating such a memorable Opening Ceremony, which celebrated all aspects of life here in Britain - and I hope that Rio is as exciting!

'Victory is having done your best, if you've done your best, you've won.' - Bill Bowerman